Random Rambling...

*I'm really beginning to question the integrity of the Pittsburgh Steelers football organization. Well, the players at least. First it was Jeff Reed peeing in public and resisting arrest last fall, then Ben Roethlisberger and his previous motorcycle accident (no helmet? no brains!), his first sexual assault troubles... now yet another "questionable encounter" and investigation, add to that Santonio Holmes' new problems and I'm starting to think we're turning into a certain NFL team in Ohio.
If you really want to continue, I could also mention the former Steelers issues - namely Plaxico Burress and his freakin' self-inflicted gunshot wound, and now Joey Porter arrested for DUI and belligerence.
WTF, people?
Hell, at least Michael Vick and Ray Lewis never played here.

*Ricky Martin is gay! Livin' la vida loca apparently means something else to him than it does to me. But hey, I'm okay with it. So why wasn't he for the last twenty years or so?

And what are he and his buddy doing over here at left...?

*What is up with this Heidi Montag chick? I mean, she is so completely pointless and talentless that it amazes me to no end that she (and her goofy husband) still get press. First of all, they aren't really actors in the true sense of the word. Secondly, she totally morphed into a whole different person with all this plastic surgery (Really, Faith Hill should consider suing her). And now she's writing a movie about 3D boobs? Say it ain't so. That story was filed not under 'Entertainment' on MSN, but under 'Weird News' - which to me, sounds about right.

*Jesse James.
Wow.
What the hell was he thinking?

*Sandra Bullock.
Wow.
What the hell was she thinking?

*My husband hates basketball on tv. I hate basketball on tv.
Hence, no March Madness for us. Yay!
All the television interruptions have only given us more time to get caught up on all the crap we've DVR'd in the last few months!
That being said, I was mortified when Kentucky lost. Boo.

*Speaking of Kentucky. Early KY Derby (5/1/10) predictions?
Eskendereya. Odysseus. Dublin. Rule. Awesome Act. Lookin at Lucky.
Or some other horse!
Ask me again in mid-April...

*I really wish people would stop seeing Jesus and/or other religious images in pieces of toast, oil deposits, clouds, and other random places. I don't believe for one iota that a dental X-ray shows the Pope's face in it or that that Cheeto is shaped like Jesus on the cross. Sorry. Get a grip people.

*California is seriously considering legalizing marijuana. You know what happens when they do?
People start seeing Jesus' face in their morning cinnamon bun.

*Is everyone out there watching "Justified" on Tuesday nights on FX? If not, you better jump on that bandwagon pronto! Not only is it a really good show, but Timothy Olyphant is to die for. Top notch show from a station that keeps putting increasingly good shows on the air. Nip/Tuck, Sons of Anarchy.... and shows I haven't seen but hear good things about -Damages, The Shield, and Rescue Me.

Justified follows a Kentucky-bred US Marshall under scrutiny for questionable use of force (that's putting it mildly - basically he likes to shoot people) in a recent case and has been reassigned from Florida to his hometown of Harlan, KY., and he brings his own gun-slinging kind of justice with him.

It's all kinds of awesome.
{And can I just make mention that a town very close here (Kittanning for you locals) has been a filming location. Hmm... western PA filling in for eastern Kentucky. Yep, seems about right.}

*Recently I saw two very good movies that I reviewed over on my other blog,Fascination with Fear. Neither are not the horrifying, gory films I watch so much of. "Lake Mungo" (reviewed here) is a fantastic mockumentary about a girl who drowned at a family outing, and "Moon" (reviewed here) is one of the best films I've seen in quite some time. An astronaut is reaching the end of a three year stint in space when something rather unusual occurs. It reminds most people of the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it is so much more than that - and soooo not as boring. I highly recommend it, even if you aren't much for sci-fi. (I like science fiction considerably less than full-on horror, so you can trust me.)

Oh, and I made a few creative changes to that blog - a bit of a face lift if you will. It seems a bit more streamlined and neat now. Or maybe that's just me. Either way, it's staying that way, because it was a pain in the ass getting everything the way I wanted it.

*I'm really not impressed with this season of American Idol. Matter of fact, I tend to think it's the worst season I've seen yet. If Crystal Bowersox (who is a cross between Alanis Morrisette and Janis Joplin) doesn't win I'll eat my hat. Besides her and one, maybe two other people - there is very little that stands out.
And while I'm bitching, please make someone END those rot-gut live group performances on Wednesday (results) night. Gah! Soooooo very awful. Thank heavens for the MUTE button.

And why the hell don't any of the contestants pick songs from the last twenty years....like, evah?

If I hear another crappy Motown redeux I will seriously choke on my chocolate Cherrios. And please, kids - no more of the following:

No Mariah Carey.

No Celine Dion.
No Christina Aguilera.

No Michael Jackson.

No Stevie Wonder.

No Queen.

No Whitney Houston.

And stop covering 'Unchained Melody' by The Righteous Brothers, 'Against All Odds' by Phil Collins, 'I Will Always Love You' by Whitney Houston, and 'I Don't Wanna Be' by Gavin DeGraw.

And for the love of God, please stop singing the songs of previous Idol winners. Especially in your less than stellar auditions. Bleck!

*Well that would appear to be all I have for this random post.

Till next time...

Oscar ranting and other tidbits.

And here is where I chatter and bitch about the Oscars, and throw in some other random junk at the end.



Belated congrats go out to Kathryn Bigelow, the Academy Award winning director of this year's winner of Best Picture - The Hurt Locker. Sunday night she became the first female director to win an Oscar. Can I hear a Woot Woot!!

By the way, I did see The Hurt Locker and it was, quite frankly, intensely terrific. It can't not affect you. Pardon the double negative but it's well worth the praise.

Oh, and another special shout out to Bigelow for one-upping her former husband and maker of all things blue and silly, James Cameron. His Avatar was up for Best Picture and he was in the running for director as well. Guess there's a "queen of the world" right about now.
And I have two words for Avatar. Popcorn film.
Two more: Sorry Jim.

Still in the Avatar vein... what the hell was she thinking??? I can't even begin to comment on that. I will say I enjoyed her performance in Star Trek.

And how nice for Sandra Bullock. Much as I like some of her movies I've never thought of her as an Oscar-worthy actress. But I guess she is. And you'd better recognize - or Jesse James will come kick your ever-lovin' ass.

And Jeff Bridges - Dude! He's deserved one of the gold statues for awhile. I haven't seen Crazy Heart yet, but I'm sure it's great. My favorite JB role is, of course, Seabiscuit.

While I'm still ranting about the Oscars (and here comes a big one folks), can I just say that while I appreciated the ode to horror movies I do have a few complaints. First off - the presenters of the clip were Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner of Twilight fame!! Okay, here's the thing. One last time. Twilight, New Moon, and all other forthcoming Stephenie Meyer adaptations are not horror. They are teen angst. Among other reasons, there are no fangs on the vamps and there is no blood. And waaaaaay too much brooding. Not horror. And yes, I feel I AM a horror expert, so you can trust me on that.

Second annoying little piss-off? The Academy forgot about Silence of the Lambs sweeping the Oscars back in 1992. The statement was made that it had been over thirty years since horror was recognized - back when The Exorcist had ten nominations and won two Oscars. Excuse me?
The Silence of the Lambs won five - taking the win in all the major categories including Best Picture. Obviously people like Eli Roth and Quentin Tarentino are not Academy members, or this glaring error would have been corrected. Come to mention it - why didn't those two start the horror clip off???

That being said, the clip wasn't bad but it showed way too much of the same thing. Too much Psycho, The Shining, and (for the love of all that is good and sacred) Texas Chainsaw 4!! While The Shining and Psycho are two of the most worthy additions to be sure, I can't see why we could have had one clip of each and moved on to some of the glaring omissions I noticed. For instance - NO VINCENT PRICE! Sacrilege! NO ITALIAN HORROR! No Argento, no Bava, no Fulci. NO ROGER CORMAN - who incidentally picked up an honorary Lifetime Achievement Academy Award AT THAT VERY CEREMONY not an hour beforehand! NO HAMMER HORROR! At least not that I saw. For God's sake, throw me a bone here.

Instead, they gave us one too many clips of the worst chapter in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre film history just because Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey starred in it (which I'm sure they were super-glad to acknowledge!) and a clip of Jennifer Aniston (pre-nose job) in the stellar film, Leprechaun! I know it's nearly St. Patrick's Day and all, but pleeaaase!

Anyway, here's the clip if you missed it, starting out with a cute Paranormal Activity spoof by hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin. And it completely cut out the bad intro by the New Moon stars, so mega-kudos there.



Now...perhaps on to other, less histrionic complaints.

Anyone else slightly disturbed by the influx of natural disasters lately? I'm beginning to think the Mayans may be correct and things are getting geared up. When's the last time you can remember this many killer earthquakes happening so close together? Haiti? Chile? Another one yesterday in Turkey and one hit this morning off the coast of Hawaii. And of course then we have the heinous tsunamis that follow. And all this after the biggie in Sumatra in late 2004. Seems like since that event, things have went downhill. If you factor in all the horrific hurricanes we've had in the last several years (esp. Katrina) you have to wonder if someone is trying to tell us something. So far, this year has been awful. I'm so not looking forward to hurricane season.
As I write this, I notice a massive tornado has hit in Oklahoma. I don't even want to talk twisters. Greensburg, Kansas anyone?

So, Ben Roethlisberger has gotten himself all lawyered up for his most recent legal woes. Who does he hire? None other than the same attorney that defended Ray Lewis back in 2000 for his murder trial. Oh wow, talk about making yourself look guilty, dude. Sounds like it's all "make this go away" to me.
Guess we'll see.

Betty White is going to do Saturday Night Live! Yay! After a viral internet campaign she was apparently asked and has agreed to go on SNL. I'm making a prediction that it will be one of the most-watched-ever episodes! She's hil-arious!





A question has arisen in my mind and I just have to ask. Why do so many women carry such immensely HUGE purses? This has baffled me for some time and I figured I might as well ask.
For example: I have a co-worker that carries a handbag the size of Rhode Island. When I ask her what the hell is in there, she says "stuff". No kidding. But what stuff?
This reminds me of a great segment from The Breakfast Club which I must share.




So, after that - I still ask. What the HELL do you women carry? I mean, as for me, I simply have my wallet, a pen, a pack of gum, some Excedrin, sunglasses, chapstick, and a tampon! And there's still room for my keys. If I had a cell phone, it'd fit as well. Small purse. Not shoulder-crushing heavy or the least bit hernia inducing.

I mean, what the f*** else do you need to have with you? The menu for the House of Hunan? No! Toss it! A bag of 100 calorie mini-oreos? No! Get rid of it. (Well, unless you're diabetic in which case I'll give you a pass.) Mini calendar? Why? Are you really that likely to need to know when Aunt Eunice's birthday is while you're at your kid's soccer practice? If you're that forgetful you mustn't care too much for Auntie in the first place. Speaking of kids - if you've got a diaper (clean or dirty) in there then you are just beyond the scope of my gross-out factor. How about that umbrella you've got shoved in there? How much of you is it going to cover anyway? Wear a hood. Those dog treats in the outside pocket? Unless you're a postal carrier I say ditch 'em. And if your purse is big enough that you're shoving a change of clothes in there? Get a freakin' duffle bag and carry it when you need it. Are you accident prone or something?
I'm just sayin'.

Okay, I'm done ranting.

Just one more thing. Welcome home (well, to their home in Alaska!) to my cousin Jackie's hubby, Aaron - who just got home from another tour in Afghanistan. Thank you, and we're glad you're home safe!!!

Randomness...

*All this worrying about 2012 - is it really necessary? Maybe the Mayans just ran out of stone or bark paper to write on, okay? And even so - if it does happen to be true, there wouldn't be anything we can do about it. Bruce Willis is not gonna save the day on this Armageddon.

*I totally miss True Blood. My sundays haven't been the same since the season ended.

*I still see my high school mega-crush every morning at the post office. Imagine that. And while 25 years ago my heart would have fluttered if he even looked my way, he now always speaks to me - but it's just so routine and small-town that I don't even think about it. Or care. Even though he still looks pretty damn good. Not as good as my honey though;)

*Who is this Lady Gaga anyway?

*If I was choosing a last meal, it could quite possibly be an entire Chef Boyardee pizza and a bowl of strawberry ice cream with hot fudge on top. Washed down with Mountain Dew, naturally.

*I pre-ordered the new Stephen King book (Under the Dome) a month ago on Amazon cause there was some sort of price war going on between them and Wal Mart. The pre-order price was only 9 dollars. NINE BUCKS for a new hardback. It came the other day, and may I say I doubt I've ever had a bigger bargain in my lifetime. The book is 1074 pages long. I don't have a calculator in front of me, but that seems like less than a penny a page to me.
Oh, and sorry folks - it's now $17.50 both places - you snooze you lose.

*Why do people complain about getting lime jello at the hospital? I like lime jello, dammit.

*I've read over 70 books this year (I've kept a list, so I'm sure... and that's three times as many as last year, at least) - and 99% of them are paranormals/horror/fantasy. I'm a freaky kind of girl.

*Oprah should not have exploited that poor woman who was attacked by the chimpanzee. I will not post a link so you can see her face. Look it up yourself if you are that sick. I saw it accidentally and wish I wouldn't have.

*I'd like to have our first big snow before Thanksgiving. So sue me.

*Why aren't there cartoons like Bugs Bunny and Scooby Doo anymore? If there were, perhaps I'd still watch.

*I hate the little forks in my silverware set. Those ones you're supposed to use for salads or whatever - they seem, at first, like a regular fork - but the handle is like, two inches shorter and I feel like one of the Munchkins when I accidentally get one. Contrary to this, my husband feels it necessary to use them. I wash them, annoyingly, and hide them in the very back of the silverware drawer, but somehow they seem to find their way back in with the regular ones. Seemingly a trivial complaint, but I gotta say - I'm thisclose to pitching them all out!

*If I were a flavor of ice cream, I'd be rocky road. Do I really need to explain?

*Why does it seem like the Steelers fall apart without Troy Polamalu in the lineup?

*I told myself I wasn't going to watch a new tv show this year (with the exception of The Vampire Diaries - that was a given) ... but I went against my better judgement and started watching Eastwick. It turned out to be a quirky, fun, light-hearted show that I didn't want to miss. Hence, it was cancelled. I friggin' hate ABC. They did the same thing two years ago after they hooked me on Men In Trees. I am therefore boycotting ABC. I will not watch LOST this winter until it comes out on Netflix. Screw you ABC.(Sorry, I'm exceedingly bitter on this one).

*Frosted Mini-Wheats needs to make a peanut butter flavored variety. And a cheese one that you could just snack on, not coat with milk of course.

*Is anyone as sick of Taylor Swift as I am? I mean, I'm happy for anyone who can make a ton of moola at such a young age...but let's face it, folks - the youngster can't really sing all that well. Simon would have kicked her ass to the curb in the first round on Idol.

*I love my DVR. What did I ever do without it? I get to watch so much History Channel these days that I could almost teach a class on the Ancients and/or Jack the Ripper.

*Speaking of Ancient times.... NO, I still do not have a cell phone.

*Can we just possibly wait till after Thanksgiving to start the inevitable decline into Christmas madness? Please....just once? And can we NOT turn on our outdoor Christmas lights yet either? UGH.

*Does James Cameron's new movie 'Avatar' look really strange to anyone else but me? I think that is a major SKIP for me. Matter of fact, I doubt I'll even add it to my Netflix queue.

*Black Sharpie markers give me a faux high. And I don't like it.

And lastly: Ten things I am unbelievably tired of (besides Taylor Swift):

1) "Balloon Boy" & family
2) The health insurance fiasco
3) Jon and Kate & the great debate
4) Scientology
5) Brad/Angelina/Jen (let it go, people!)
6) H1N1 (please SHUT UP about it, ok?
7) Commercials for male-member enhancing products, lawyers who can get money for YOU, violent video games, and car insurance
8) The New England Patriots and their weasel of a coach
9) Sarah Palin and her damn book
10) The Kardashians. Why should anyone care about these people? Just cause Daddy (RIP) was O.J. Simpson's lawyer and BFF? That alone should be reason not to care. How bizarre.

Shopping with sarcasm

Things I observed on thursday when I went shopping and to the movies.
Sorry in advance, but ranting is my job.




*There are still some people out there that don't realize the left lane is the passing lane. They just put their car on cruise and hang out in the left lane the entire time. Twice thursday I actually passed people while I was in the right lane.

*On Route 28 South to Pittsburgh, there were four - count 'em, four - places where there were "End Road Construction" signs only to be followed in less than five seconds by another "Begin Road Construction" sign. Please tell me why they don't just place a sign that says "Eternal Road Construction" at the entrance to the South 28 exit. And keep in mind I only went as far as Tarentum, so there are no doubt four more signs (or more) on the remaining 12 miles into the city itself.

*Would it be entirely rude to outright slug those lotion hockers at those kiosks throughout the mall? No! You cannot ask me a f**king question. My hands are smoother than a baby's ass already so leave me alone. Damn!

*I witnessed a Middle Eastern woman (in traditional Indian/Muslim garb) buying a book about John Adams at Borders. She spoke with a horrific accent I could barely understand, so I don't think she was actually an American. I don't know why but I thought that was weird. She also bought a lined tablet. Taking notes, perhaps?

*It took two salespeople and one manager to make my Borders coupons go through at the cash register. And the coupons were sent to me directly through the Borders website cause I have a Borders Rewards card. Should I say DUH here or just chalk it up to casual stupidity and incompetence?

*It should come as no surprise to anyone that there are a lot of books about vampires right now. You can't swing a cat in Borders without coming in contact with reading material about the famous fanged folks. (Not that I mind, but wow - what a trend!)

*Did you know Bob Dylan has a Christmas CD out? I'm serious. You just can't make that stuff up.

*Marble Slab Creamery was closed on thursday due to some kind of machinery malfunction. Hope no one lost a hand in the ice cream maker. 'No, that's free raspberry swirl. Everyone gets some, it's today's special!"

*I'm always amazed at the people you'll find at the theater on a random thursday afternoon. The assortment included three teenaged boys (it was 12:45 pm - did they not have school?), an elderly gentleman carrying TWO containers of popcorn and a small drink, a middle aged couple dressed in winter coats (it was 70 degrees out), a 30-ish woman pushing a rather large old woman in a wheelchair, a college aged couple, a guy with a Hulk Hogan mustache, and yours truly. Frankly, an eccentric arrangement of strangers sitting down together to watch Paranormal Activity.

*Speaking of Paranormal Activity, the tag line on the poster says: "Don't see it alone!"
Whoops.
No one reprimanded me (or the other two loners) at the ticket window for coming alone. And I was still allowed to go in. AND, I lived. (Though the nausea I incurred due to the hand-held camera effects throughout the film had me about wretching in the aisles and popping Dramamine - thank god I had some in my purse! - about mid-way through.)
Demons and Nausea - what a combo!

*Upcoming movies that look worth it: The vampire film 'Daybreakers' (the return of scary vamps!)... 'The Road' (Viggo, Viggo, Viggo!) ... 'Disney's A Christmas Carol' (with Jim Carrey in the title role) ... and 'Sherlock Holmes' (I'm lovin' Robert Downey Jr. as the famed detective!). Soooo not worth it: 'Ninja Assassin' and non-movie 'Steven Seagal: Lawman!' (a new tv show coming to A & E this year..... didn't A & E used to stand for Arts and Entertainment?) I mean, WTF?

*I've decided there are no stores in Pittsburgh Mills that I enjoy going into except Borders. I've actually been known to go down there and not go into any stores except that one. I think I've just basically decided that I no longer like shopping.
Except for books.

*As unbelievable as it sounds, I actually heard 'Silver Bells' emanating from the Bon Worth (or Worthless, I rather think) store. Christmas cards are on sale at Borders. The Hickory Farms sign is up at their little piece of Xmas-time mall real estate. All the Xmas scents are out and packaged up all pretty-like at Bath and Body Works. And the Christmas trees are in the windows at American Eagle.
Can we really not wait until after Halloween? Is it possible to wait at least until The Spirit of Halloween store is closed for the season?
PUKE.

*Wal Mart is an ever-lovin' nightmare. Ah, but you knew that, right?
Between the dude that stole the Granny Smith apple I was just about to take to the cart that was resting ever so elegantly against my Jeep when I came back out to the parking lot... that place is a chamber of horrors. I just wish I was loaded so I didn't have to shop there.
Then again, I did just blow $200 on groceries and cat litter!

*There was a guy in the liquor store pushing a cart of alcohol down the aisles. A cart! A quick look from me at his purchases and I noticed he had all the makings of a very good party. Or a helluva hangover. I guess I never realized they had freakin' carts in the State Stores. Wow. I'll keep that in mind for when I buy my vat of wine at the holidays.

*The ride home had me listening to my CD purchase from Borders. And no, it wasn't Bob Dylan.
I have since decided I like the soundtrack to Twilight better than the just released New Moon. But then again, I've listened to the Twilight one about 4,756 times. And just once for New Moon. I am, however, really liking the Muse tune: 'I Belong To You' - very catchy! And the tune by Alexandre Desplat (who is obviously scoring the film) called 'The Meadow' is absolutely gorgeous. More of what I expected from Twilight's score but didn't get. If the rest of the score album is like this, it will be my fave score of the year.


*When I got home, I had to drag fifteen Wal-Mart bags and a ten pound container of cat litter inside. I think that's the part I hate the most. All those damn plastic bags. Each one with like, three items inside.


Okay, rant over.

Stirring up a storm of controversy...

I just heard something really weird.
The Weather Channel is going to start showing movies.

The. Weather. Channel.

Yep, you heard correctly.

Apparently this is going to be their new big thing for Friday nights at 8pm.

I read the lineup of some of the upcoming flicks: March of the Penguins. (Huh?) Deep Blue Sea. (Really?) Misery.

Yes, I said Misery. The Stephen King - Kathy Bates - James Caan fright fest. Hmm. I guess there is a snowstorm in the beginning. But wow, hope the kids aren't tuning in to check the weather for trick-or-treating when Annie Wilkes is slamming Paul's foot with a sledgehammer.

And what will happen to "Weather on the Eights"? Will this be their idea of commercials?

I did hear of one rather appropriate movie - The Perfect Storm. Okay, I get that one.

But Deep Blue Sea? That is essentially a horror movie. Sam Jackson gets eaten by a shark in the first hour, folks. But hey, there is an ocean in it. And frozen ice for March of the Penguins.

May I suggest more appropriate weather material?

How about Twister for God's sake? (Then we could all wonder if it was live or Memorex!)

Dante's Peak? The Day After Tommorrow? Hard Rain? Volcano? Firestorm? Wind Chill? Earthquake!

And if we're stretching? The Fog. The Mist. The Storm of the Century. Groundhog day? The Weather Man? Alive? (The dudes in the plane crash who had to resort to cannibalism...yeah, it would have helped tenfold if they hadn't have been stuck in the freakin' snow-covered Andes!)

How about Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs. Naaah, too new.

Or try these other ones for the kids: Eight Below. Cool Runnings. Snow Day. Alaska. Arctic Tale....
Hey! The Wizard of Oz had a great tornado.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - a superior maelstrom if I've ever seen one.

You like romance? Hell, Nights in Rodanthe had a hurricane. Lots of rain during the best part of The Notebook, girls. A couple got struck by lightning in Sweet Home Alabama for God's sake. Now that's something you don't see every day, am I right? And I think it snowed somewhere during the course of When Harry Met Sally.

Some of the aforementioned movies above are horror. In addition to those, it rained throughout a greater portion of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer, didn't it? Bad weather impairs ALOT of people in horror. It was raining to beat the band when most of the counselors in Friday the 13th got killed. Ditto that for the end of Poltergeist. All those dead bodies in the mud.
Lotta rain in Psycho, too. Poor Marion never would have went off the road to the Bates Motel if it hadn't have been raining cats and dogs.

That family in The Hills Have Eyes would have faired so much better if they hadn't have been stuck in the desert heat. Oooo, and I almost forgot the mega snowstorm in The Shining. And The Thing. And 30 Days of Night. And The Last Winter. Do we include Jaws and Open Water because of the ocean? The sci-fi flick Sunshine? I mean hey, the earth was going to crash into the sun, people. Big news.

On that note, I used to know what the weather channel did last summer.

They told you the everlovin' forecast, that's what they did.

And if these movies aren't going to star Jim Cantore and Mike Bettes - I simply don't want to see them.

A random footnote: Sadly, I think I own quite a few of those movies listed above.

I'm so pathetic.

Random thoughts

I got an email the other day that absolutely cracked me up.
I only wish I'd thought of these things myself. So when it says "I", please remember it is not me, but some sarcasm savvy guy. (Someone I think I could be great friends with!)

Enjoy:

Random Thoughts of the Day by Bob

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5. That's enough, Nickelback.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

22. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

23. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

24. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong,brothers!

25. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

26. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

27. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

28. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

29. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

30. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

31. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

32. Bad decisions make good stories.

33. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

34. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

35. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

36. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

37. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

38. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

39. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

40. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

41. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this. Ever.

42. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

43. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

44. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

45. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

46. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

47. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

48. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

49. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

50. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

51. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

52. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

53. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

54. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

55. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

56. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

57. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

58. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

59. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

60. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

The Bullshit Express

The Bullshit Express (aka my father-in-law from Florida) made an appearance at our lovely abode this weekend and I have several things to call him on - in other words to debunk, deflate, show-up and prove wrong. Because I can. And because I'm easily annoyed, especially when it comes to him.

*Parker Posey is most certainly NOT the daughter of Charlie Chaplin.

*No, I really don't like cooked cabbage, no matter what manner of delectable, savory, enticing preparations you can do to it.

*Vanessa Carlton not only did NOT start rap music, but she can actually sing.

*Meg Ryan was not in the movie 'Michael' with John Travolta. And she did so have an affair with Russell Crowe which basically ended her marriage to Dennis Quaid.

*NASCAR is not a family sport. Guys wreck cars and die. Do you really want your small kids to watch that?

*Seabiscuit defeated War Admiral, not Man O' War. Trust me on that one. Never argue horseracing with me. Ever.

*Tom Cruise's children with Nicole Kidman were so adopted. (besides, how else can you explain his son being black?)

*Men should not wear Jovan Musk. Period.

*Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte did not write at the same time period. Bronte was born only a year before Austen's death. Try Wikipedia, ok?

*Being the grammar nazi that I am, I have to point out that the Depot in Home Depot is pronounced dee-poh - not depp-oh. Likewise, Paprika has only three syllables, not four. It is NOT pronounced pap-ah-ree-kah, ok?
And while we're on a roll here, there is no such word as ONCED. Or TWICED.

It's not that I don't love my father in law, but I'm just sayin'.

10 Random Thoughts

1) I love my mute button on my remote. I forgot how much until those stupid Comcast commercials started.

2) Men in turtlenecks creep me out.
For no reason, I have this revulsion that crawls over me when I see a man wearing a turtleneck. I do not have a clue why. If I were to see, for instance, Johnny Depp, in a turtleneck for anything other than a movie role, my image of him would be totally blown.

Okay, I may make a slight exception for something like this:



I can deal with it on Hugh, I guess. Just once.
But still, Johnny -no.

3) Michael Vick apparently thinks he's going to make $10 million a year or more in the NFL when he gets out of prison. $10 million. Prison. Remind me again why I'm not stealing televisions or evading taxes again? Oh yeah, that's right - I'm a moral, decent, law-abiding citizen.
F**K Michael Vick. I think he ought to be covered in gravy and strung up by his bits and pieces over a pen full of rabid pit bulls. Or not rabid, if it will take longer.

4) Tell me who thought it would be a good idea to schedule LOST opposite American Idol on Wednesdays at 9:00 pm? I am equally as irritated that on the same night - at the SAME TIME, Criminal Minds is on CBS. Bugger! So very rude to have all three shows on at the same time.
Also annoying is the fact that Supernatural is opposite CSI on Thursdays.
I sooooo need a DVR.

5) You know how everyone is always blubbering on and on about how they love nice sunny days? "Oooo, we need a nice sunny day! - Can't wait for a nice sunny day! - We just don't have enough nice sunny days!"
Well, how about some love for the rainy days?
Personally, I am much enamoured of rainy days. I know, I'm a depressing and dark person, the eternal introverted 'leave-me-alone' pessimist, but doesn't a rainy day go with that? I like a day when it pours that nice steady rain all day long. Nothing makes me feel more at ease than rain pattering on the rooftop. Especially when I have nowhere to go.
And yes, I prefer a thunderstorm to a heat-stroke inducing afternoon. So there.

6) You know what I said a moment ago about guys in turtlenecks? Ditto that, a hundred times over, for guys in bike shorts or speedos. No one should EVER have to be witness to that.
PUT. THAT. AWAY.

7) Tell me why I should care that Madonna fell off her horse? Thousands of people do that every day. Jockeys live and breathe tumbles from their mounts. They say her horse was spooked. Well, no sh**, Madonna is pretty scary.
I so don't give a crap about her lack of coordination. Matter of fact, the only news I want to see about Madonna is news that all radio contact was lost with the plane she was traveling in over the Bermuda Triangle. Now that I would be excited to read.
And while we're at it, am I alone in my thoughts that Madonna is one of the homliest and most unattractive people alive? Yikes.

8) What is up with these Somali pirates? In all my years I don't recall there being so much news about pirates. I mean, WTF? Tell me again, what century is this?
And how come they don't look like Capt. Jack Sparrow? Or at least Captain Morgan, right?

9) Bill Murray hit someone in the head with a golf ball during a tee shot. BWaaaahhh! I'm sorry but that's funny.

10) I saw a honeybee yesterday. I know that doesn't sound too exciting, but aren't they supposed to be far and few between? So I guess that's a good thing.
Unless the hubby gets stung, that is. We don't need any more faces swollen up like a pumpkin.

Just a few things that jerk my chain...

I've been having a banner week (not), and there are a few things that have been annoying me.
Some of them are things that always piss me off, some of them are just recent additions and grievances.
But anyway...

I'm sick of the Subway 5$ footlong commercial jingle. I've got to the point that I am scrambling over pillow and magazine to grab my remote and MUTE!!

Ditto the commercial (for I don't even know what) where the little girl gives her dad a little stuffed monkey to take on his worldly business travels. He holds it up in front of Big Ben and other touristy spots (like, is he actually working?) while some stupid 'apple of my eye' song plays in the background. Ok, it was cute the first time... but after the 437th time (usually in one evening) it's on.. I'm ready to start pulling out my hair.

My neighbor down the street a bit has started letting her little pug dog poop in our yard.

People who leave carts in random spots in the parking lot. WHY WHY WHY can't people take their carts back to the designated cart caddy-thing? I mean... how lazy are you people? Arrrgghh!

I don't like the way the half-moon shaped ice cubes that my fridge makes slide down my glass and into my mouth so quickly without me being able to stop them. They aren't big enough and some day I'm going to choke. On ice.

People who drive 30mph in a 55mph zone. This happened to me twice, just today. Ironically it was the same person both times. Small town. Go figure.

The local theater in town, defunct and closed for - oh I don't know - over 25 years probably, is in the process of being torn down. Whoever has the removal contract has been pissing around forever. They started in fall I think, and I haven't seen anyone there in weeks. It's half torn down, with a huge heap of junk/bricks/wood/drywall & crap in big trash binder that covers part of the sidewalk as well. It is the biggest freakin' eyesore within 50 miles of here. WTF?

Speaking of town, the water here has been...shall we say dirty... for over a week. Last week sometime I went to take a bath, and the water was so yellowy and murky that I had to clean the tub immediately afterwards. I've cleaned it three times in like, 5 days.

Which probably doesn't help my non-resolving back issue. My back has been bothering me for over two weeks. Just when I think it is going away, it comes back in full force again.
It is not the first time I've dealt with back pain. I've had three or four episodes over many years. Seems to pop up every once in awhile. No rhyme or reason to it. Whatever.

Why wasn't 'House' on Monday night? Sooooo very irritating.

Our washer died. We bought a new one. It's a piece of crap. The end.

Please let the whole 'Taylor Swift phenomenon' end soon, I'm begging here.
Thankfully, I'll at least get to imagine her body on the slab - she plays a dead girl on CSI thursday night. No ill will towards the girl, I'm just sick of her. Like the 5 dollar foot long crap.

In other ridiculous celebrity tidbits, who's with me when I say could Rhianna be any stupider than she is to go back with her boyfriend Chris Brown, who a few weeks ago pummelled her face quite efficiently. Duh.
I don't even know one song either one of them sings, but I don't discriminate. If you're dumb, you're dumb.

I hate Gus, the second most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania. Hate him.
Scratch this, you measly rodent.

Ok, I'm done ranting for now.

In my opinion...

Oh. My. God.

Can we possibly be spared any more friggin' press about this publicity-seeking, disability benefit-abusing, food stamp-hoarding, child-stockpiling, Angelina wanna-be?
Please!

The media is pushing her down everyone's throat, which is exactly what the deplorable, miserable wench of a human being wants.

Those eight children should not be permitted to go home with this woman.
Sorry.
And the doc that implanted her eggs should be arrested. Or at the very least have his medical license revoked.
Sorry again.
And as for six kids she already has at home....
I pity them.
They have my sympathy.

Congrats!

Best Wishes to my cousin Kiley and her new hubby, David.



They got married yesterday and so I wish them health, happiness and fun in their lives together!

My favorite uncle Shawn and I were talking, at the wedding, and he mentioned how I hadn't updated my Compulsive List Addiction blog in a few months - and he suggested I write about the things I hate about weddings.

Which I did. You can read that rant here.

But it in no way mirrors my feelings for Kiley's reception. It was tasteful, classy, and fun.

(But I have been to some really crappy and/or ridiculous celebrations in my time and so this rant is a reflection of those 'wonderful' times...)

All the best, Mr. and Mrs. Cribbs!

Milestones

THE SMUG PESSIMIST TURNS 40

A candid photo of yours truly...
I think I'm aging fairly well!

I am now 40 years old.
I still feel 39. Ha.

So now I guess I am supposed to put on the Lawrence Welk show, get a Miracle Ear hearing aid, eat prunes at every meal, buy Depends undergarments, complain about my health 24/7, drive as slow as a turd, listen to Air Supply and like it, and swear at teenagers constantly.... ok, I already do that last thing - but the rest of it- forget it. I think I will be perpetually young. I love ear-busting rock music, riding the Harley, horror movies, driving fast, staying up late and sleeping in even later, and drinking shots of Jim Beam.
Wait, I guess there are alot of old gomers out there drinking the Beam.. Scratch that. (scratch saying it, not doing it!)

*Being forty doesn't seem like too big of a deal so far.

Here's what happened the year I was born into the world:

It was a leap year.

I was born on a friday ( during Days of Our Lives or so it would seem - ha ha )

Johnny Cash recorded Live at Folsom Prison.

The Green Bay Packers won the Superbowl (and without Brett Favre, mind you!)

The Winter Olympics were held in February at Grenoble, France.

Teen singing star Frankie Lymon died of a heroin overdose.

The Vietnam War (excuse me, conflict) raged on - I cannot begin to list the various offensives and battles...too many).

'2001:A Space Odyessy' premiered.

Martin Luther King was assassinated 4-4-68.

The Civil Rights Act of 1968 was signed.

'In The Heat Of The Night' won Best Picture at the Academy Awards.

'The United Methodist Church' was created.

The musical 'Hair' opened on Broadway.

Robert F. Kennedy was shot June 5th and died the next day.

The soap opera 'One Life To Live' started on ABC.

Apollo 7 was launched and was the first space mission to be televised.

The Summer Olympics were held in October (?) in Mexico City, Mexico.

Richard Nixon became the president in November.

The Cincinnati Bengals (NFL) team was formed.

Rachael Ray, Debra Messing, Anthony Michael Hall, Gillian Anderson, Cuba Gooding Jr., Sarah McLachlan, Molly Ringwald, Daniel Craig (007 - yum!), Kenny Chesney, Eric Bana, Naomi Watts, Will Smith, Ziggy Marley, and Owen Wilson are a few of the people born in the great year of 1968!

So, it really was a good year.

Just a little Wednesday humor...

THIS WAS 8 YEARS AGO, PEOPLE!

The Name Game

I was just thinking of all the ways people screw up their kids by giving them stupid or ridiculous names they have to live with and apologize for all their lives. Seeing as how I don't have any kids, maybe I'm not qualified for this discussion, but as usual, I don't care what people think.

So... this bugs me:

People who call their kid by its middle name.
Like if your name is Bertha Louise Jones and your parents call you Louise.
Why didn't you just name them Louise?
WTF?

Or how about when they call you something altogether different than your name.
Parents say something like "Oh, we named her Kathryn Elizabeth but we've always liked Mandy, so we'll be calling her Mandy.
Or your name is Robert Jones and they call you Jack.
Huh?

The "Y" that is added to the end of names just kills me.
I know everyone does it and sometimes it even works, like with Billy, Tommy, Bobby, and Johnny (I mean can you imagine calling Johnny Depp just John? Let me see.... Mrs. John Depp. Nope, doesn't work for me.)
But when you start adding it to names it wasn't meant to be added to, like Scott, Pam, Greg, Nick, George, and (sorry honey) Todd - it just sounds silly. I hate my own name so bad with a "Y" on the end so much that only two people have ever called me that and they are both dead.
Not by my doing, but that's beside the point.

Nicknames.
Too bad for you if you were overweight as a child. You are probably living with Chunky, Heavy, Fatso, Chubs, Tank, Blimpie or the likes.
Eat too many sweets as a kid? Candy, Cookie, Cupcake.... whatever.
Good or poor intellect? Smarty Pants or Dumb Ass. Take your pick.
Liked toys? Dolly, Tonka, or maybe even GI Joe (if you were blessed with the name Joseph at birth)
What's your personality? They probably stuck something with your name like Chatty Cathy, Dopey Doreen, Picky Pauline, Lucky Lenny, Bashful Brian...
Poor kids.

Or there's the ever popular naming your child after yourself - because apparently, even though there are millions of names to choose from, you've run out already and had to choose your own.
So what do you have then?
Robert Jones, Jr. - a.k.a. Bobby or Robby...
Or maybe you'll just get Junior. Love that. It sounds like a big fat dude sitting on the front steps of the redwood deck of his decades old trailer - chewing on a piece of wheat and strummin his banjo.

Speaking of the 'country' life: Could we completely phase out the good ole' hick names like the Waltons' style Jim-Bob, John-Boy, Mary-Ellen, Joe-Bob, Cindy-Sue, Betty-Lou, Bobby-Jo... Ugh.

And all those good Catholic names like Mary-Margaret, Mary-Katherine, Mary-Theresa, Mary-Elizabeth, Mary-Frances, Mary-Agnes...
What is up with all the Marys? Not necessary. Doesn't make them any holier in my book.

And I hate to rag on all the African names, but I don't want to discriminate, so I feel I should pick on everyone equally. If I'm going to offend, I want to make sure to offend everyone.
LaKisha, Levon, Deion, Lebron, Beyonce, Aisha, Tanisha, Jamal, LaToya, Tyrel, Lamont.... we don't live in Africa, correct?

How about no hooker names - No Vanessa, Heather, Destiny, Misty, Sherry, Tiffany, Lacey, Desirie, or even Whitney. At the very least they sound like pole dancing names.

Flat-out bad names for boys: Homer, Ulysses, Phinneaus, Cletus, Clifford, Sherwood, Cecil, Oscar, Ralph, Dwight, Ernest, Ira, and Winston.

Crappy girl names: Bertha, Doris, Marge, Lois, Eunice, Orabell, Willhimina, Betty, Lucille, Loretta, Dorothy, Freda, Henrietta, or Mona. They all sound like old lady names. And a special thanks to the tv show "Mad About You" who were kind enough to bring back Mabel.
OY.

Can you not spell your kid's name different than the norm? You will never find anything personalized for them! Brittani, Crystie, Tifani, Bryan, Tracee, Alivia, Jewelee, and please, no
Tod, Jon, Mat, or Jef! Can't you actually S-P-E-L-L??

Parents: Please think about what your child's first name will sound like with your last name.
That means you, parents of Brandy Wine, Bud Wiser, Holly Wood, Michael Myers, Crystal Ball, Harry Peters, Rod Johnson, Crystal Waters, Harry Ball, Allison Nelson, Dick Peters, or Julia Gulia (wedding singer!)

But I believe all of the above names are still not as devastating to children as some of the names that the stars have named their offspring. Moon Unit, Dweezil, Apple, Moses, Phinneaus, Hazel, Kal-El, Pilot, Moxie CrimeFighter (seriously!), Suri, Peaches, Tiger-Lily, Ziggy, Ky-Mani, Satchel (leave it to Woody Allen!), Scout LaRue, Rumer, Tallulah Belle, Maddox Chivan, Zahara, Pax Thien, Shiloh Nouvel, Rainbow Joan of Arc (!), Leaf, Zowie, Coco, Audio Science, and Sage Moon Blood. Honestly!

Did you know George Foreman named each of his children after himself, adding a Jr, III, IV, V, VI on all the boys, and named the girls Freeda George and Georgetta. No vanity there, eh?

Lastly, try not to be pretentious enough to name your child the same name as someone Uber-Famous. Like Oprah, Madonna, Cher, Celine, Sting, Bono, Shaq, and by all means, don't name your child Jesus. Even if you are Mexican or Spanish. Oh my.

So there it is. My rant for the day. Sorry if I offended anyone that may have used or may actually be named any of the above.
Somehow I think there may only be one Moon Unit, though.
Later.

The Joys of Traveling?

Taking a vacation from the daily grind is something everyone looks forward to, right?

Even if it's to porchville, it's nice to be off work.
(For those of you who don't work, you'll just have to imagine what it is like going to a job everyday, putting in time doing your thing so you can bring food home to eat and have a roof over your head. But we all can't sit around eating bon bons and watching Jerry Springer, ok?)

Anyway, I recently got to take a vacation with the hubby to our favorite location, the Outer Banks.

The 'where' is not the topic. The 'how' and the 'whys' are.

How we managed to get there in one piece and Why there aren't more road rage incidents is amazing.
Traveling can be like a nightmare.

**Top ten annoyances on recent 600 mile trip (each way) to and from the eastern-most part of North Carolina.**

1) Rest areas that are closed. I mean, WTF? We pass a sign for a rest area and there is a big yellow sticker on it: "CLOSED!" Soon after that, a sign that says "next rest area 46 miles". They are giving us fair warning that we might have to pee in an empty Mountain Dew bottle if we don't stop, then make it impossible to do so. When we get to the rest area exit it is of course all blocked off with cones and barrels, and it says 'closed until fall 2009". Say what? Not only is it closed all of the summer, when most people are actually traveling but it is closed for a year and a half! What are they doing? Installing space stations? New-age toilets?Whatever. Get out the Mountain Dew bottle.

2) Big rigs driving amazingly fast. No matter what the weather. No matter if there is road construction ahead. No matter if there is a cop lying in wait. No matter if there is a broken down car along the side of the road with a bloodied individual standing there waving a white walmart bag for help. They just don't....freakin'....slow....down. I know they are on some kind of mission or whatever - get to the locale and dump the load, make more money! It's like they are secret agents or something. Can't stop or slow down for anything!

Well let me get out my secret decoder ring and try to make some sense of it. I firmly believe they don't care if they kill someone. Nothing I hate more than seeing one of those monsters in the rear-view mirror and/or right in front of me.

Sidenote: Bad also because when they are in front of you, you can't see the confounded exit signs. Damn!

3) Fruit stands. Don't get me wrong, I like fruit. I really do. Matter of fact we have been known to stop at these said markets many times. However, must they put little signs in succession along the highway two miles prior to the driveways? Apples.............peaches...........watermelons............peanuts............jams..............! This makes people, in particular the elderly, slow down to like, 25 mph to read all the signs and look for the stand. So then everyone is slowing down to 25 mph. How about one damn sign a few hundred yards before the market. Just something plain and simple. FRUIT STAND AHEAD. They'll get your drift, ok?

4) Rubberneckers. People who slow down to a crawl when there is something to see, be it a automobile accident, a police car, a hitchhiker, a dead deer - whatever!

Then there is this massive interruption in the flow of traffic and we have to wait an hour to get past the Busch Gardens exit instead of 5 minutes. Wake up people.

5) People who cross the yellow line inside a tunnel. I don't even know why you aren't allowed to do it, but it annoys me to no end that there has always got to be some jackass in a sporty little red Mitsubishi with the top down who speeds through the tunnel, changing lanes at will. And with his sunglasses on - something else they tell you not to do. If I have to take off my sunglasses, so do you - you middle-aged balding butthead.

6) Kids who stare. Didn't your parents tell you it's not polite to stare? Then why are there so many kids making faces and picking their nose while gawking at us as the folks drive by on the way to Disneyworld or where ever else they are un-deserving enough to go to? I can't tell you how many children passed us and made faces or just plain stared at us like they were in a trance. Maybe they are. Maybe some parents get out the cough syrup before a car trip. Not a bad idea.

7) People who throw things out the window. I didn't really think people still had the nerve to litter anymore, but they do. Mostly it was cigarettes, but there were also candy wrappers, cups, and other (mostly) paper items. It's still against the law as far as I know, and in any state. And it looks like shit along the road. Immediately I dislike someone when I see them doing this. How about you?

8) Roadkill. Now I know for a fact these animals are not lining up to be slaughtered, but I thought there was someone in charge of picking the poor corpses up... like the game warden or something? I am a huge animal-lover, and I get upset even when I see a slain squirrel, let alone a deer or (heaven forbid) a dog or cat.

And on that note, who knew there were so many damn possums on the Outer Banks? (well, maybe there technically aren't that many, as most of them are deader than a doornail on Route 12 in Dare County, NC)

9) Driving in the rain. We drove from Hagerstown, MD to our house (approximately 170 miles) in the pouring rain, alot of which was on the crappy PA Turnpike where not only does the rain lie on the road in hydroplane-inducing puddles, but the fog rolls in like a John Carpenter movie. With the aforementioned big semi-trucks plowing down the road on each side of us I thought for sure I was a goner. Thankfully, I am here to tell the tale.

10) Finally getting home. On one hand, I am kissing the ground that my cat's paws pitter-patter on just to have reached my destination unscathed. But then there is the realization that I am home. Which generally means we have a mound of clothes to wash, phone calls to return, suitcases & beach chairs to return to the attic, bikes to put in the garage, and the worst thing of all - work to return to.
It was nice while it lasted.

Wretched, wretched movie!

Ten things I would rather do than EVER watch this movie again:



1) Leap over the fence and into the lion enclosure at the zoo, you know - just for fun!

2) Be force-fed brussel sprouts alternating with celery sticks for 10 days straight.

3) Be stuck in an elevator for 12 hours with Jerry Springer, Britney Spears, Howard Stern and Sandra "super-simple" Lee.

4) Glue my eyes open with Super Glue.

5) Go on a liquid diet of nothing but CAT-scan contrast for a week or so.

6) Watch a 24 hour marathon of something like "Rock of Love with Bret Michaels" or pretty much anything on the Game Show Network.

7) Crouch down in a patch of poison ivy to relieve myself.

8) Go swimming in the shark-abundant Great Barrier Reef with loads of shiny jewelery, a bright brand-new surf board, oh... wait! I can't swim...

9) Take a month long tour of a malaria-infested shanty town somewhere in Africa.
Hey, maybe Angelina will go with me!

10) Volunteer at a over-capacity, wall to wall, ridiculoulsy jam-packed day care center for any length of time whatsoever.

*Believe me when I say this movie is crud. A stain on the resume of everyone involved. Complete and utter rubbish.

I can't even waste time writing a synopsis about it because well, I can't get the hour & a half back that it took to watch this dreck, so why waste your time having you read about it. Suffice it to say, I thought it would start getting good at some point.... My misconception is your blessing in disguise.

Can you tell I hated it?

A bit of pop culture.

I guess I do feel a bit bad for Sarah Jessica Parker. Recently she was at the top of a list that Maxim magazine compiled of the Ugliest Women. I mean, how rude is that? I'm sure she's a lovely person (at least on the inside, despite rumors to the contrary) and I think Maxim is full of crap for having that list in the first place.
A list of beautiful women is one thing, but why single women out as ugly?
However.



SJP is not overly attractive, to be sure. I've always kinda wondered why people find her so sexy. I actually always thought she'd be perfect in a remake of The Wizard of Oz. I'll let you guess which character.



Sorry, Sarah. Don't worry, I'm not beautiful either! We all can't look like Halle Berry!

Maxim compared her to a horse - in particular a few of my favorite horses - Barbaro and Secretariat. What up? I take serious offense to them comparing her to a couple of the most strikingly handsome equines of the last 50 years.


Barbaro


Secretariat

I'm not likin' that correlation at all. You know how I feel about my horses!

But honestly....
I think Maxim would have been better off picking someone else. I don't think SJP is the ugliest just cause she has a long face and 'witchy' look.
I think Britney Spears (who was a bit further down on the list) looks MUCH worse than SJP.



I mean, at least SJP always looks put together, is respected, a decent actress, and to my knowledge hasn't done any of the following: run anyone's feet over, hung out barefoot at a gas station, cried on the curb, shaved her head, hit paparazzi with an umbrella, drove a car with her kids on her lap, forgotten her underwear, had a drunken marriage in Vegas, or barricaded herself and her child in her house illegally.

And if we're simply going on looks - I submit this for your consideration:


Seriously! Just what the hell was Antonio Banderas thinking?????

Ten Random Piss-offs

I've been doing some thinking lately (uh-oh!) and I've thought of some random things that piss me off.

1) People who leave their shopping carts in parking places instead of the 'cart-caddy'. Now I know alot of you are probably guilty of this, so I'll just say if you are ever with me, you'd better not do it or you'll never hear the end of it. Nothing irks me more than trying to pull into a space and seeing a freakin' cart blocking the place. People are just plain lazy. And no, I don't care if it's raining. What are you - the Wicked Witch of the West?

2) Don't get me wrong, I understand there are lots of people who need monetary public assistance - I really do know this and support it - but when people on welfare use their little welfare-check-credit-cards and buy something little then ask the clerk for all the change- then they head right for the cigarettes, booze, and lottery tickets. So basically they are using our money, people - because we are the ones supporting them you know, it's our taxes - to get drunk, get cancer (which sets their medical assistance into high gear), and blow money. Ugh.

3) People who sneeze -or worse yet- cough, and don't cover their mouths. Do I need to elaborate on this travesty?

4) People who let their dogs poop in my yard. What the hell? I have a neighbor who always carries a little walmart bag or something and scoops her dog's poop - and I have to say right now, I'm her biggest fan. So here's a shout out to Napolean and his owner. Thanks.
Now, the rest of you - pick up your do-do!!!! Or at least don't let them poop on private property! And remember, the owner of the house might be looking out their window when you commit this crime, and you may have a load of poop at your front doorstep someday. Hint Hint.

5) Here's something that has to piss everyone off at one time or another. Tell me why - in plain English so I can be sure to understand - why a Coke at the movies costs six bucks! And Twizzlers cost $5.00! Don't get me started on popcorn. I can go to Wal-Mart and buy five packages of Twizzlers for five dollars! Why the mark up? This is why I don't go to the movies too much in the summer. No jackets or heavy clothes to stash my M & Ms or Skittles, let alone my bottle of Pepsi.

6) While we're discussing the theater, explain what part of "please turn off your cell phones" you don't understand? There is more light than during 'Dream On' at an Aerosmith concert when I am at the movies. The cell phones are always on. I know I've touched on cell phones before, so I won't do that again. But suffice it to say, why do you people pay 10$ a ticket so you can come in and text message people the whole way through a movie. TTFN, ok? UR St2pid.

7) And shut up for God's sake. I rarely go to a movie rated anything below R anymore. Anything PG-13 or under and you have to contend with a hundred giggly, retarded teenyboppers. And I mean age 15 and under. Anyone over that age probably drove there and has a date. They are usually quiet for one reason or another. Nothing I hate more than people who talk the whole way through. That means you, Mr "I've-seen-this-before-you-gotta-see-this-next-part-she's-gonna-get-killed-you-should-cover-your-eyes"!!!!! Play by play is for sporting events.
Ditto the discussion of where you should go to eat afterwards, or the topic of your sister's VD or whatever. Just shut up, alright?

8) Movie rant over. On to foreign trade. Yes, it pisses me off. Is everything made in China these days or is it just me? I can pick nearly anything in my house up and it says made in China on it. How prolific are these people? They can make anything from a bobble-head to a sweater to a lampshade to a laundry-basket to a calendar of recent US presidents. What the hell? Good thing they make decent take out or I'd really be pissed.

9) You know who pisses me off? No, not Tom Cruise (but good guess). Mel Gibson. I really used to like the dude. Loved 'Lethal Weapon'. Great flick. 'Mad Max'? I get why people like it. 'Signs'? Yeah, I even liked that. Let alone the great (though its historical accuracy has long been disputed) film that is 'Braveheart'..... but he has gotten so damn looney in recent years.
That whole thing with him making anti-semitic remarks to that cop when he got pulled over for a DUI. His father apparently not believing that the Holocaust existed (what?!) makes you wonder what Mel really does think about Jews. He's long been rumored to be rather homophobic. And we all know he's a recovering alcoholic - that's fine, but to lie in judgement of so many other things?
Then there's his 'private' Catholic church - seems he believes the Roman Catholic church today isn't doing things right - and so he's just the man to make things correct. I'm not even Catholic and I think that's crap.
And now he's apparently having dinner with Britney Spears. Just keeps getting weirder and weirder. I just don't know if I'll see another of his films again. 'Course I didn't see 'The Passion of the Christ' or 'Apocalypto'.... has he made anything since then? Whatever.

10) Ten hot dogs in a package. Eight buns in a package. You do the math.

Today's Limerick

There once was a sportsman named Ben
Who was looking to find his true zen
Steelers gave him more dough
And he couldn't say no
Black and gold on his shirt once again...

****************************************
Congrats to Ben Roethlisberger on the new contract -
that's an unreal amount of money!
Hope he's worth it.
GO STEELERS!!

Cell phone rant-O-rama

People and their cell phones just drive me nuts. Forgive the following rant, as I know it is harsh, and I know someday I will join the droves of obsessively insane cell phone owners. But hey:

Why does it always sound like you are calling me from the guano encrusted caves of Jamaica or Base Camp #3 at Mt. Everest? If you can't get a clear signal, please don't call.

To add to that complaint, you always tell me "I'll call you when I get home" - well if it wasn't important enough to need to know right now, why the hell did you call in the first place? I was probably in the middle of watching a movie anyway!

Same thing with the comment about calling me from a 'land-line'. Hmpf !!

Why must you people talk like you're in a crowded subway station or at a NFL football game? Don't you realize you are screaming? And thanks for calling me when your kid is having a bad day. Hearing them screaming in the background doesn't make for a pleasant experience either. Seems every person that calls me at work has this dilemma.

Do you really need your phone on when you're in a bookstore? When I'm surfing through the mystery section in Borders and I hear someone's phone going off and they take their sweet time answering it it just gets under my skin. Bookstores are kinda like libraries, okay? If you have to have it on, can't you have it on vibrate and answer it in your "library" voice? Must you shout?

And while we're on ring tone talk - seriously! Must you have the theme song to James Bond, the Teletubbies tune, even the latest Snow Patrol song- so screaming loud? Are you all deaf? And no one, I mean NO ONE, wants to hear Stevie Wonder singing "I just called.... to say.... I love you!" Can it, please.

Why do you all have to call when you are in your cars? Is it necessary to be on the phone while driving? Aren't you already a bad enough driver? Can't do it in California or New York and if they can deal without them there, we can here in PA as well. That's a whole other gripe altogether, but when someone tries to call me from the road (this happens alot at my job) and it sounds like two radio stations jamming together or the noise your tv makes when a station goes off the air at 3am - please just call me when you get where you are going or pull off the freakin' road.
"You're......cutting.....out........You're.......breaking......up!!
Can you hear me now???

Do you really need to call Aunt Bertha to see if she needs peanut butter while you are grocery shopping or Depends while you are at Wal Mart? Doesn't anyone make a list anymore? What gets me even more is seemingly responsible-looking adults chatting on the phone going up and down the aisles the entire way through the store. You've all seen and heard this.. "do we need potatoes? how about sugar? did we use the last of the tomato sauce? run down to the basement and see if we need detergent......" OY VEY!

I don't want to hear about dropped calls. This is in tandum with my rant about tv commercials. I'm dead sick of commercials about cell phones cutting out.

Ditto ads about text messaging and all the darn abbreviations. Funny how many moons ago the telephone was invented so we could actually talk to someone and hear their voice, and nowadays it's all about NOT hearing anyone speak and typing out messages that look like shorthand in a court room. You see people out, at a concert, restaurant, or a movie - and they are frantically texting their lives away about how wonderful the experience is, but they aren't actually EXPERIENCING IT cause they are too busy texting!

While we're at it, can you just shut up about all the different plans there are? Please.

Same goes for all the different phone colors. Pink, Chartruse, Striped, Polka-dotted, Chocolate, Cherry, Chocolate-Cherry - tutti frutti - oh....my...god. Let it lie. Can't we just have black?

Please don't let your kids play with your phone. Can we stop this? Kids with their parent's cell phones riding along in carts at Wal Mart. They drop them on the ground, the parent screams at them for dropping it, the kid screams cause the parent yelled at them, the parent yells at them to stop screaming..... it's a vicious cycle and I'm tired of listening to it. Get them a fake plastic phone in the toy aisle for pete's sake.

I know someday I'll regret writing this. I hate talking on the phone (any type) though, so maybe I won't.
Rant over... for now.