My first compulsive list is, on the sad occassion of George Carlin's passing yesterday, my top ten favorite Carlin quotes.
10) A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
9) You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
8) Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
7) Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
6) What was the best thing before sliced bread?
5) Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
4) If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
3)Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
2) There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? _____,_____,______,_____, ____-____, _____-_____, and ____.(if you don't know 'em, look 'em up)
And my favorite:
1) A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a bunny suit at the time.
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