By Request, For Shawn

Top Ten Things I Hate About Weddings:

10) Long-ass church ceremonies.
Please don't have multiple bible readings. We are in a church but we are not AT church.
Please don't write your own vows. Too personal. I don't want to hear it.
Please don't have people sing. Most people can't. Just realize that.

Please don't walk around the altar several times chanting something like you're in a cult.
Please don't have children under 3 as part of your wedding party. They cannot, and will not stand through a service. Hence the running begins and I start to get very anxious.
Please just say I do and let's head for the reception.
No one really cares how in love you are but you. We're all just being nice.

9) Bad bridesmaid dresses. Like, 80's style monstrosities....

or like this:

or God forbid this:

or for the love of all that is good and sacred, THIS:

Face it, no one is EVER actually going to wear those things again.
Seriously.
Unless you are dressing as a hooker for Halloween.

8) Bad DJs.

This means you Mr. Icantgetarealjob...
Stop playing things like 'I will always love you' (dude, the song's about a breakup), the song from 'Titanic' (sounds nice, but the guy died, butthead!), and 'Theme From A Summer Place' (we need words in songs, man!)...

7) Weird wedding cake flavors. That kiwi-mango-pineapple cream tasted good 10 months ago when you tried it, but hey, we're not in Hawaii the last time I checked. Please - everybody loves plain white wedding cake. Just go with that.

6) Gifts. For people that have already lived together for five years. This busts my butt more than anything. People who have gigantic wedddings and expect 400 people to give them gifts when they already set up house years ago. Not cool, people. Not cool.
How many toasters do you really need?

5) Rambling best man speeches...
Just because you have known the groom most of your natural born life and you share a history doesn't mean we all need a play by play of your most memorable moments.
That time you both got so drunk you slept in the trunk of you car was SO funny..... to you.
Please. Stop. Talking.
We're hungry!

4) And stop clinking your glasses with your forks.

It's driving me nuts. Do you think you could let the happy couple eat their cabbage rolls and chicken in peace? I'm sure they aren't thrilled with the endless clanking - they will get to all the lovey-dovey stuff in the bridal suite at the hotel a bit later, ok? If they aren't too tired, that is.

3) The Receiving Line.

Waiting to exit the church.
Having to pee.
It takes forever.
Damnit.

2) People who come to weddings in inappropriate attire.

Now I'm not one who likes to dress up. Neither is the hubby.

But we are certainly more presentable than the dude in Army fatigue pants, boots, and a baseball cap. (I will excuse you if you are just in from Iraq, but that's it)

Or the chick with the call-girl-esque short skirt, 4 inch spike heels, and the cleavage-popping bra-top. She's obviously looking to hook up with....someone.

And unless you're in Texas, leave the cowboy boots and hat at home.
I was at a wedding once where a guy wore cut off shorts. Seriously.

Make an effort, ok?

1) The Chicken Dance! If I never, ever, EVER hear that F&%$ing song again I will be a happier person because of it.

**On the brighter side:
my TOP TEN REASONS TO ENJOY A WEDDING:

10) Speedy ceremonies. Short and sweet. Do you? I do. Do you too? I do. The end.

9) Open bar. Rock on.

8) Cameras - so you can snap photos to be used against people in the future.

7) Catholic receptions. There is always bound to be great food.

6) Cookies (as long as I don't have to make them)

5) Flowers. Pretty most of the time.

4) Cake. Traditional wedding cake icing is the all-time best, don't you think?

3) Making fun of people dancing. There's nowhere better to do this.

2) Love. Ok, that was sappy. Never mind.

1) The happy couple. We are delighted, ecstatic, overjoyed, blissful and elated for you.
Try not to think about the divorce rate being at least 50%.
You could be the lucky ones.
I hope you are.

Best wishes.